I was just having random thoughts about vagina crock pots. How delicious.

I noticed some new layout changes etc and a bunch of weird Russian spam commenting on old posts. Hopefully not too hostile of a take over. 


New year and some new changes. Nothing revolutionary but a slow ease into everything. 


I wish I had good things to write. My life is a train wreck with a plane crash in it with occasional glimpses of what stability could be one day. I'm looking for new work, a new body and new experiences. Im cleaning out some stale friendships and hoping to attract what I need in my life. 

And gambatte. 

Has it really been since Jan that I updated? Hah.. Life has been busy, bad and then more busy. I'm on loserbook often but I am going to get back to writing in here. It's probably the best venue to vent, think and get it all out.

Listening to Bjork. It's been a while. I miss her. A++++++

I feel like I just woke up for the day and Nicholas is peacefully snoring beside me like he's a hibernating bear. I have my nieces for the night and it's a full house in my little studio place. Poor Kamiko is sitting as high and far up away from the sleeping spawns. She's staring at me, half in horror and the rest appears to be pity. She's like an old man cat. Doesn't like loud sounds and fast movements. Luckily my next child is going to be a furry one jsut like her.


My Mother is in the Hospice now. Getting fantastic care and I'm able to visit her a lot and stay overnight too. It's a beautiful new facility and I feel such a sense of calm when I go there considering people are dying every other day in it. My Mom is on morphine finally and it seems to help with the severe pain she's in. It's so hard to watch her in pain and drugs aren't even touching it usually. I want her to pass away and be free of this. I know she is ready she just has to pick a time.  Only change addresses as my Buddhist friend says.


Ive had to tell a few more friends about my Mother and what I'm going through. It's a challenging process. Most people I come across have very little experience with a close loved one dying. They don't know what to say or do. I don't like to say, imagine your Mother dying in front of you for the last 3 years bit by bit. But a few times I have said that and then friends just say its unimaginable or something they couldn't fathom. There's a few things I fear in life, that would be my ultimate nightmare. Number one is to lose my Mother, my best friend. I don't know how I cope and keep my shite together. Some days are better than others. Most days are fragile but stable for me.


Now that Nicholas has tried to spoon me and wrapped his arms around the laptop I should sign off. Such a sweet beautiful scamp he is when he sleeps.

Im tired of the huge responsibilities involved in keeping myself alive. Everything is all consuming presently and there is no relief in sight. I'm controling what I'm in control of but there's a fuckton of stuff I can't do anything about. Stuff that will affect my quality of life and family, long term.


I wish my lessons in life were a little more kind to me these days.